I might dye my hair blonde...

But I’m not stupid.

I just wanna clear a few things up. Like make it reeeeeaaallll clear for the people that like to talk about me. I know people talk and judge and they always will. That’s just how life is. I know negative things have been said about me because I’ve witnessed them to my face, over email or behind my back. I’m not dumb…I know people have their opinions about everything ranging from what I write on my blog or facebook, to why I don’t have an extra job to why I complain so much when I have it so good and blah blah blah. And it makes me laugh…seriously. It used to really hurt my feelings, but now it just makes me laugh because you don’t understand. And why should I get my feelings hurt if you’re saying things about me when you don’t even understand what I’ve gone through? I mean…that’s when judgment happens right? When we take it upon ourselves to judge the decisions or actions of others because we think if we were in their situation we would handle it SO MUCH BETTER. Yea…right.

I also think that when you bring others down without at least TRYING to hear them out you are only doing it to boost your own ego. And it leaves you looking insecure. We’ve all done our fair share of judging or back stabbing. I’m guilty of it. And I regret a lot of things I’ve said. But I think my struggle of being misunderstood has only helped me and gives me more compassion to the people that I’ve judged harshly in the past. Because I didn’t take the time to see their point or be there for them. I just made up my mind about them instead of allowing them to express what’s really going on.

Maybe you would have done things differently than I did. Maybe you would have handle them better because you’ve gone through more than me…but you’re the person I need. We need those people who have experienced more than us to lift us up outta the pit. We need those friends to be on the journey with us so we don’t feel so alone. I am so thankful to the friends who have been there for me through the journey. I’m thankful for those friends that realized I was in a bad place and needed to be comforted or encouraged. I’m so thankful that when I told my husband I didn’t want to be married anymore he didn’t run away from me. I AM SO THANKFUL. It’s in those times when someone let me cry on their shoulder, or talk to them over coffee when I was able to look at what I was really dealing with head on.

And to those of you who think you know everything I’ve gone through because you read my blog once in awhile you couldn’t be more far from the truth. I’m open, but I have not blogged about everything I’ve had to deal with this past year. So you go ahead and keep saying, “you’re weak, what do you even do with yourself?”

I’m stronger than you know.

I don’t know…maybe it’s me? Maybe it is my fault that I’m misunderstood because I come off offensive sometimes?? And yea, sometimes I won’t agree with you, and that’s ok. We can still be friends. I know that’s hard to believe because usually we surround ourselves with people just like us. The Jesus lovers with the Jesus lovers, the middle class hangs out with the middle class…the cool kids stay in the cool scene. But I don’t like that. I still like you even if we don‘t see eye to eye. I still want to be your friend even if you’ve said mean, hurtful things about me over and over again.

Do these ideas seem weird? Or am I just waaayy more nice than a lot of people? I wouldn’t doubt that. Haha.

P.S.- I also think it’s HILARIOUS…no seriously HILARIOUS that people will judge me on as little as a facebook status update or a two-paragraph blog.

Love Affair

Today when I was scrubbing the toilet Chance saw me and said, “Babes, you’re a lady…you shouldn’t be doing that.” And he was seriously serious. I want to brag about Chance for a minute…I think I’ve only scrubbed the toilets or shower TWICE since we’ve been married. TWICE!!! Yes, I do the laundry, and clean the kitchen and vacuum, but Chance knows how much I hate scrubbing the toilets and the shower so he’s always done it for us. How sweet is that? I love his face so much I could just kiss those lips right off.

Anyway, on to more important matters.

Dear Anonymous Readers,

I love you. Please keep coming back to read my blog. I also hate you because you let me ramble and ramble about my life and don’t say encouraging words like, “Hang in there Dom!” or “You are so funny Dominique” or “Wow you are really, really skinny and stuff.” or “Hope to meet you someday Suz!”
That’s right, I don’t care if you get my name right. I just like feedback. I like to talk life with people. It’s good for me I think. But I guess it doesn’t matter either way because when I started this blog I thought the only reader would be my cat so things haven’t really changed much.

So Anonymous, maybe when you decide to stop hiding, I would love to talk to you. But I know you probably feel sneaky and sassy that you have a dirty little secret so I’ll let you keep treating my blog like it’s the affair you’re having with your secretary.

P.S.- I know you’re reading this Cameron.

I'm Sorry

Dear Whole Foods,

I’m sorry to hear that you didn’t hire me. I feel bad for you. I think the email that was titled, “DO NOT REPLY” was a nice way of letting me down. I also thought that telling me I was “qualified, but not what you were looking for at this time” was a great way to lie to my really cute face. I think that you will feel sorry for your decision too, because I am really, really, great.

However, I love you so much that I will continue to shop at your store and pay way too much for organic produce. I will also be happy to change myself and my life completely to work for you because I am desperate. Please call me if you change your mind. My information should still be in your trash can.

Love you lots,

Dominique

Y, O(prah)?

Oprah really makes me think and I hate to admit that. I mean, this is a lady that is so far off in her spiritual thinking she doesn’t even know how to classify her faith whatever it might be. But me and the ‘O’ have something in common. We want to “Live your best life.” I don’t watch Oprah all the time, but I admit sometimes I record her shows if they look interesting. This show today was about weight and how Oprah fell off the wagon. She talked about what the issues really were that made her make the choices she did which lead to a poor diet and no exercise. She said the weight gain wasn’t an issue of food it was an issue of love and loving herself.

I don’t know if I agree 100% with what she was saying about how we are to always put ourselves first and yada yada yada but she said something that really hit home with me. She said something like, “I need to take care of this body because it has taken care of me. Even when I gave up and gained weight, it didn’t give up on me and God blessed me with this body that has given me so much life.”

Wow Oprah. That was good…seriously. I think my issue with food isn’t the food itself either. I think it’s because I am lazy, bored and stressed. I am home all day with my husband. No one else to talk with…no one else to challenge me. Just photography, laundry and dirty dishes to keep me occupied. This is my own fault. I would go out to eat because I just wanted to GET OUTTA THE HOUSE or see someone other than Chance James, (who I still love dearly even though I’ve memorized every pore on his face). I’ve recently started a workout program…a bible study (with other humans) and I’m slowly learning how to cook and not snack on chips all day.

Thanks Oprah, even though sometimes I think you are lame (a lot), today you opened a door in my brain and for that, I thank you.

Show me God

I think if anything shows me God it’s food and animals…oh and a woman birthing a child outta her chach. The fact that we can actually live off the land is incredible to me. I mean…even if there weren’t restaurants or grocery stores we have so many plants and fruits and veggies that could sustain us our whole lives. And animals amaze me because of their instinct, beauty and purpose. I’ve been watching Animal Planet and Planet Earth and MAN!! Animals are incredible. I’ve always been an animal lover, and I think animals are really important to God. And I think we are called to be good stewards of land and all that’s in it…including animals.

I love, love, love my kitty. I love him so much, but someday I would love to have land to be able to care for a bunch of animals. Until then, I hope to have some pets along the way. These are my hopefuls…

Harlequin Great Dane
They are so beautiful and sweet. I’ve always wanted a Great Dane. And their black and white spots…SERIOUSLY?!





Long-Hair Red Daschund
When I was growing up, my family and extended family always had daschunds. They are SO funny and sweet lovers, well most are if trained right.





Ragdoll
My first pet with Chance was a Ragdoll cat. Her name was Brighton and she was the craziest cat. Her breed was named “Ragdoll” because when you pick them up they go completely limp. COMPLETELY. It’s hilarious. They also stay low to the ground…they don’t like to jump or be on countertops. She would always sleep under our bed…wild. They are so beautiful and usually have blue, blue eyes.

This was our Brighton





Toy Himalayan
Our Cat, Geronimo is a Himalayan. He is a very small cat, but now they are making TOY HIMALAYANS!!! Crazy! How cute are they?!



Geronimo

Making Myself.

I’m making myself get up today. I’m making myself choose. I’m making the choice to change. I’m going to get out of this house. I’m gonna rid myself of these stresses that are following me and I’m just going to drive for awhile. I want to experience some sort of peace today and I’m deciding to help myself. I can’t sit here anymore. I will drive myself crazy, crazy koo-koo.

All or Nothing

Who the hell do I think I am? Hahaha. No seriously…I’m laughing right now. Self discovery is the worst thing ever. And by the worst, I mean the best because it has forced me to see myself for who I am and gives me two choices; to change or to stay the same.

I’ve always been a certain way. I’ve always thought a certain way, and talked a certain way and I guess it’s a good thing to an extent. I mean, because I’ve always just been…me. But quickly after I married Chance I was challenged to choose. I needed to make a conscious decision to be my best self. I’ve learned a lot of things about myself and why I’ve always done things the way I have and it was hard for me because I quickly realized that I was very, very selfish in many areas of my life.

Recently I had a breakdown. And by recently I mean like 20 minutes ago. A full on Panic Attack. I could hardly breathe, I was crying HARD. Like the kinda crying where your snot makes bubbles and pours down your face. Then you SCREAM as you let out a cry and gasp for air. Like “AHHHHH BA AHHHH GGGAAASSSPP” that kinda gasp. The kinda crying where you don’t care if Oprah Sykpes your boo-hoo-ing, slobbery face to her millions of viewers. I wanted to write about it right away so I wouldn’t forget how I felt. I felt scared. I felt hopeless, I felt trapped, I felt like I was suffocating. I lost control.

Lemme tell you a little bit about myself. I go big or I go home. I’m an all or nothing personality. I’m your best friend or I don’t know your name. And this mentality has ruined me. I’m still trying to peel off layers of my life and understand a little bit better of how I came to this. What was it in me that made me decide to take hold of this idea? I don’t know, but I know that I have always struggled with balance.

I was always a good student in school. I’m pretty sure I got straight A’s until my Junior year in high school. But then I became overwhelmed. I was everywhere doing everything and I couldn’t handle it. I failed like 3 or 4 classes that year and had to retake them in summer school and one my senior year. I didn’t fail because I was dumb, but because I felt like if I couldn’t do EVERYTHING perfect I would do NOTHING. Literally. I never did homework. I never studied for exams. I got kicked out of leadership activities. I remember feeling like a failure. I remember that so clearly. I remember the hurt I felt and the burden I carried everyday because I saw how it disappointed my parents. My friends would joke about me failing classes and I would go along with it so it would be funny and not hurtful. I would even make remarks myself about what an idiot I was. It’s like I was telling people I had failed so they wouldn’t find out for themselves and then talk behind my back. Weird. I totally remember that like it was yesterday. And if you know me, I usually don’t remember ANYTHING so this is big.

The same idea goes for my cleanliness. My room was always an absolute trash can or it was so organized and clean you could mix a drink in the toilet. I’ve carried this into my marriage. Chance was SHOCKED beyond belief when he married me. He got to see the woman he married leave dishes in the sink for weeks, leave tampons on the counter…and the toilet UNFLUSHED. Then he saw her become extremely obsessed about organizing her closet and keeping the kitchen clean and “NO!!! THAT DOESN’T GO THERE!!!!”

Then my weight. I wore a size one/two a year ago. I'm now a size 8/9. No need to go further.

The ‘go big or go home’ way of thinking has become obsessive. It has shown it’s ugliness in my marriage. This obsession has gone beyond cleaning or not cleaning. Chance and I are having to make some decisions with our business, our finances and the basic direction of our lives. We have so many great ideas…and there is SO much I want to dive into, but once again I fill my plate and then I collapse. We are leaning towards me getting a job so we can have some money when business gets slow. I think it’s a really great idea and I’ve already started to look for a job, but the problem with this is that I’m already getting weak. My mind says,

“Dominique, don’t forget you need to finish getting the finances in order for this month, don’t forget to clean the bathroom, then you have to work on this project, and do this for Chance so he can finish working by 2pm to meet that client, also, you have to learn how to edit to help him out…oh and what about bible study…hey make sure you call those girls back, and learn how to cook good meals for your husband for once in your life and BEEP!!! The laundry is done. What about snacks for the client that’s coming at 12. You should whip up caviar, that would probably be best. and make Chance feel extra special tonight, and don’t you dare eat that cupcake because we all know how much weight you’ve gained and MY GOD DOMINIQUE GET AN EFFING JOB!”

When this happens, I just stop and pray. And then I say, “Ok Mind, don’t do that anymore.” But it has become a lot harder with all the decisions whirling around my head and tonight I lost control of my emotions.

My problem is not the things I must do. It’s the obsession I have with doing them a certain way. It keeps me up at night. It scares me. I’ve confessed to Chance that I am terrified of myself and the path this could take. Obsession could drive me mad…literally. I can’t remember the last time I fell asleep before 450 AM.

The past year and a half has been a constant lesson. I’m all about self-discovery. I’ve ALWAYS looked at myself to change before pointing the finger and I pat myself on the back for that. I consider that a blessing from God. But you know what? Sometimes it’s hard to feel like you’re the one who is always trying to get better and better and ahh…you become exhausted. I’m not a saint because I want to change my faults, but I’m honestly confessing my struggles so I don’t feel so trapped inside. These things need light and that’s exactly what I’m trying to do. I recognize that this needs to change. Chance has been my strength and God has been my Hope and I WILL get through this with understanding and love.

But if during this journey you see me on Dr. Phill in a straight jacket…you’ll know why.

Moments

I’m sitting here listening to Pandora Radio waiting for it to give me a song that makes me feel. Not just a good song, but the kind of song that makes you incredibly happy. The type of song that plays at the perfect time for the perfect emotion. One of my favorite things to do is to drive the open road while listening to some good beats. It gives me a rush to be able to ride in my car and almost be forced to move to a good song. I love driving to my parents house right at dusk. I love driving that highway with the fields on either side of me. To me, there is nothing better than experiencing that moment. It’s when the song is unavoidably soul moving, completely blood rushing, makes you sing like you’re a great singer, groove like you’re a good groover, cry at the ending, and can’t resist but turn it to full volume and look like an idiot kinda moment. I live for this. I’ve always loved this moment.

I remember driving in my parents 91 extended cab, GMC truck and my brother and I would always be in the back seat with our walkman headphones pumping those memorable songs. We would look out opposite windows and enjoy those good, good tunes. You know like, No Doubt and Matchbox 20 and he was probably listening to the Aladdin Soundtrack or something. I guess the combination of looking out a car window and the sound of good music in my little ears are somewhat nostalgic to me.

Nostalgia is a big deal for me. And that brings me to Michael Jackson. Regardless of his accusations, I admit I was sad to hear about his death. Did tears come? Yea the did OK!!! Were they streaming tears of never ending grief and loneliness? No. But I was sad for many reasons really. I think he was such a lonely and lost person, but I was selfishly more upset because I felt a piece of my childhood leave. I will never be 5 again. I will never dance with my cousins, Neen and Adri, around my dresser with the purple pillow and sing “I’m bad, I’m bad…you know it” while it screams on my cassette player. I. Will. Never.

Realizing this makes me a little sad, but somehow it also taps my heart and makes me wake up. I feel renewed. I feel alive. It gives me hope to make new memories and come to more important understandings. I realize time is not forever, family and friends are precious and I am blessed be here. Right now, in this moment. Enjoy those moments.

Rumley Family

My heart aches for THIS family. Please pray for them.

Sometimes I lie.

Here’s a little advice to all who read my blog-don’t believe anything I say. Well I guess don’t expect me to follow through when I make promises such as, “I promise I’m gonna blog about blah blah blah and my life and stuff…” Don’t hold me to it. Why? Because I’ve never been good at commitment, motivation or sticking to my guns. NEVER.

I ALWAYS have an excuse, and even though they are totally good ones I should just put my money where my mouth is sometimes. I always think I’m gonna do something and I always have the best of intentions, but my person just isn’t good at coming through.

I’ve been way to anxious about things this past year and I keep trying to jump ahead of myself. It’s wild like I tell myself to do these things I’m not ready or prepared to do and then I wonder why they don’t work out. I have learned SO much this past year, and I really wanted to blog about it while I was going through it, but I’m glad I didn’t because now I view my struggles and my life from a different perspective and it’s going to be SO much better to talk about and eventually blog about in this new light. I would love to say that I’m going to blog every thought of everyday from now on, but I know better than that. However, I do feel that I am in a really good place right now to share things and write things and create things for people to see or criticize or love or judge or whatever. I’ve been reading a lot. One of the books I’ve been slowly reading is called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. While reading this book, I came across an amazing passage written by John Owen that was like fresh air to my lungs.

“The person who understands the evil in his own heart is the only person who is useful, fruitful, and solid in his beliefs and obedience. Others only delude themselves and thus upset families, churches, and all other relationships. In their self-pride and judgment of others, they show great inconsistency.”

I needed to hear that SO bad. Like SO bad. Because this sounds really weird, but I’ve always felt judged for being the way I am. And what I mean by “the way I am” is that I share lots…like almost too much sometimes. I have an overly active mind. I try to tell it to slow down and NOT THINK SO MUCH FOR ONCE!!! But that never works. It’s like my brain has a circus show going on all the time. Things are always running around and doin’ flips and stuff in my head and it scares me. It scares me to be the way I am…to feel the way I do about certain things. And I’ve been told to “not share things, and to just pray for feelings and thoughts to go away.” It’s hard to feel like you don’t have a soul that can relate. I mean, I’m not a psycho, but I do think about running away from life sometimes…from my husband and my responsibilities. I dream about being something else or somewhere else. Do I doubt the God I proclaim to love? Yes, all the time. In fact, you know what?? This is gonna shock some of you, but last month I told Chance I don’t even know if I believe anymore. I felt lost…and grasping to find hope. And how come I feel that so many “Christian” friends would turn their back and judge me if I told them my feelings? WHY DO I FEEL THAT WAY?! It makes me sick.

I’m really excited to share my journey…because I wish someone shared theirs with me. I don’t want to hide behind anything. If my journey can encourage someone else that makes me so thankful, because in the end it gives me hope. I don’t think I’m some wonderful girl who is cured now because “I know the evil in my own heart” but I wanna be me…and not worry about it anymore. I hate hiding things because when I do, I feel icky inside. I don’t feel as connected with people if I can’t be open. I want to be honest and open, but I will never share anything that puts someone else in the spotlight. And the things I will share about my marriage will never be blogged if my husband doesn‘t approve first. I believe in being open, but not at the expense of others, because who am I to share their faults, their triumphs or their testimony?

Hopefully I will help someone in this process, and if I don’t then maybe you can just laugh at my overly dramaic, frustrated life. Either way, this should be good.

I should start with my first confession…

I’m obsessed with Desperate Housewives of New Jersey, I skipped my work out on Wednesday and I lied about not having dessert last night. I did…I did have dessert…twice.

Specializing.

Chance and I are SOOO excited to be offering custom cards/invitations to our clients in the next few months. We have been working on designing and ordering samples etc. so I haven’t really been thinking about blogging as much. We will have samples in the next few months so tell your friends and come by to check 'em out!

When we got engaged, Chance designed our wedding invites and I LOVED them. Here’s a picture.





The poem on our invite was written by my Papa, (my mom's dad). He wrote that poem for my mom and dad's wedding invites and I loved incorporating it into our invites.

This is what the poem says on the invite:

As the sun calls out to rose bush to come forth from moist soil, my heart hears the melody of your love calling in the wind.
From God's divine will, our hands touch in a tender embrace and our lives together begin.

-Victor Donato

Korres Makeup

I haven’t had time at all to blog, but I HAD to share this with all you gals who read my blog. We just got back from San Francisco and I came back with a few goodies. With some help from my cousin, Adriana, I had the courage to switch from Bare Minerals Makeup to Korres Makeup. After just TWO days of using it, I’m already obsessed. I linked it so you can read about the product. It’s awesome.