Thursday, January 19, 2012

Major Smiles

So towards the end of my pregnancy I wasn't doing much. I was so tired and so big (like the size of a whale) that all I wanted to do was sit in my house with the air conditioner on (yes, even though it was November). Yes, I was THAT fat and THAT hot. I'd be like, "I'm so sorry so and so... I can't make it today, I'm just SO tired!"

I want to sock my formerly pregnant self in the face now. Hard. I'd smack that girl so hard if I could.  These days I look at Chance and say, "WHAT DID WE DO WITH ALL OUR TIME BEFORE WE HAD THIS KID?"

I think I thought when the pregnancy was over, the fatigue would be over, the backache would be over and the sleep would be sound. WOW. Did I NOT understand that a HUMAN was going to come out of me and demand my every second? I guess I really didn't think about what happens at the end of pregnancy... you get a baby! And then the real fatigue, the real aches and the real sleepless nights begin.

Here's a run down of my last 6 weeks...

Wake up- but wake up from not sleeping. This just simply means actually getting out of bed, because let's be serious- I was awake all night.

Feed him. From my boob... that's still so weird.

He's happy. Put him in the bouncer so I can make an egg and toast... he starts to fuss. Pick him up, walk around until he's happy.. put him back in the bouncer. Finish cooking the already burnt egg. Grab a plate and sit down. I reach for the fork to eat... Major cries. He's bored. He's sick of looking at those stupid toys hanging from his bouncer. He's like, "What the heck, mom?! Just because I'm a baby doesn't mean I want to look at this stupid thing for longer than 3 minutes... don't you see it's a dumb turtle? What else is there to figure out?"

I take him out noting his intelligence. It's ok, Major. You are smart and stuff is boring. I feel bad for you so let's hang out. I try to juggle him while I attempt to eat my egg. It doesn't happen. He gets angry I'm not walking around. So I get up and walk... it finally calms him down.

He cries two minutes later and my egg is cold. He's hungry. I'm hungry.

Fine! I say to him... you can eat first! I lift my shirt and he gasps and gasps until he's getting that sweet boob juice.

I finally eat my egg, while ironically feeding my baby at the same time.

My day continues as chaotic as it started. I rush to the bathroom, fold the laundry, pick up the house in a hurried fashion all as Major sleeps. I'm racing the clock and counting the baby's "ZZZ" just to be sure of how much time I have left. I usually get to the bathroom and half way through the laundry before he wakes up again.

I look at the clock and it's already 5pm. I've accomplished nothing today. Nothing. But he's smiling now and today seems to be juuuuust fine.


Saturday, January 7, 2012


He's here. I can't believe that a baby, a human, GREW inside of me. Like a plant... like a little seed. It's wild. It's the craziest thing I've ever, ever, ever experienced. I don't mean pregnancy and I don't mean birth... I mean a human is now living with me and eating from my boob 24/7 and I GREW that thing. The reality of this miracle is crazy. How can people not believe in something bigger than themselves when this crazy thing happens to them?!

I've been transformed. And I never, ever, ever thought I would be that person. My pregnancy was ok... I mean, I wasn't super sick and I didn't suffer from too many uncomfortable side effects. But for some reason, I wasn't very happy. My pregnancy wasn't exactly a planned one so it was hard for me to handle and I felt guilty for not being "excited." People would ask how I felt and my response was usually "eh... I'm ok, I guess." I'd cry to Chance at night and told him I feared being a bad mom because surely no DECENT mom would be so selfish. I watched my body change (with a little TOO much help from me... I love my fries!), I watched my "plans" slow down and my near future take a drastic turn. I told myself, the only way I'll like this baby is if it's a girl and if it sleeps at night. I'd tell Chance, "I can't picture myself with a boy for some reason."

We found out it had a penis. And I was shocked.

I cried.

I'd say, "I know it's horrible, but I just don't know if I'll be able to do this... I'm not ready, and I don't feel connected to him at all"

I never bonded with Major while he was inside my stomach, but I never resented him either.  Instead, I felt sorry for myself as I gripped tight to my last parentless months. I felt that way my entire pregnancy.

And then he came. He was and is so precious. This infant was here and just wanted to be close to me. He needed me to survive. I was hooked. Obsessed to say the least. My birth didn't go as hoped (more on that later) and my body is still a reck (I'll talk about this, too)... but my precious, precious boy brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart sing. I love his toes, I love his smell, I love holding him and helping him. Everything about him is my favorite.

What happened?

I really don't know. I don't know if it's divine intervetion, or just a natural motherly love, but something is different. You know it's weird, too, because I still can sit here and tell you that I STILL want to follow my dreams, and I STILL have big plans for my life. I don't want to just be a mom, or have my children be my life (not that there's ANYTHING wrong with that- it's a huge honor and responsibility we have!). In fact, I've already enojyed the few freedoms I've been given to leave the house, and I'll probably still post millions of pictures of my cat, but something is definitely different.

So, my fellow mothers... what do you think it is that changes us?

Major, now that you are here... Mommy can't picture life without you. I love you, I love you, I love you forever. You are 4 weeks old and have already made my life so rich. And I'm happy to say, I will never, ever, ever be the same.