Monday, April 8, 2013

It had to happen sometime

I feel like I have so many things I want to write about, or stories I'd love to create, or funny blog updates I want to post, but tonight... tonight I'm going to be a mom blog. It had to happen sometime. "It" meaning at some point I had to talk about how amazing my kid is, or how he melts my heart or how being a mom is the most amazing and tiring, hardest, and sometimes most annoying thing in the whole wide world.

But today I wasn't annoyed. Today I wasn't tired. Today was amazing. Major is growing up so fast, and my heart aches just as much as it sings songs of joy because this little boy is so pure and full of life. I get to see his face everyday as we giggle and sing songs and dance. He LOVES to dance.

Major, you LOVE to dance and you have thee best moves. Don't let anyone steal that music in your heart because you're already moving to the beat of your own drum.

I'm cherishing these times because I know the years will be short.  Soon it won't be me he'll be dancing or giggling with, but he will be someone's husband and raising a family of his own. I am raising a man. A man that I hope will have a loving and compassionate heart and a soul full of faith.

In between the silly times, after the giggles and the dancing; after the story and bath times I wonder, "who am I becoming and who am I helping him become?" I hope and I pray that I'm giving him the best start to a life full of goodness, love, faith and adventure, but how am I qualified to do that when I don't hold the keys to those treasures all the time? I'm just me, and all I can do right now is giggle and read stories. All I know is to love him while I try to find the beat of my own heart in the quiet times.  How do you love someone so completely and give yourself so selflessly while still trying to maintain or find your identity? It's a constant battle in itself and I'm convinced moms are the true warriors since the beginning of time.

This poem just came out while I was thinking about motherhood.

We love our children to no end,

We clean and cook and fight for them

But where's our heart when it's split in 3?

It's divided so much, is there one for me?

Be loving, be kind, and follow your dreams

Wash those hands... pick up your things.

We tell them this so religiously

So If I wasn't a mom, who would I be?

I'm remembering the me that's here
But something new has appeared

My heart is not beating just for me
My heart is beating now in threes.

Stories in my Head

This title is loosely based on Kermit the frog's song "pictures in my head" that he sings in The 2011 Muppet Movie. I love the Muppets. Now I'm sure me and some sweaty, creepy 60 year old perv share the same obsession.

Too Far.

I have a lot of stories in my head. I make them up, or they are true stories that I see or hear in real life and then become stories with different out comes in my head... and I laugh and laugh and laugh... because I usually imagine something going terribly wrong... or becoming awkward... or super sad.  This is where me admitting that I laugh and laugh seems very cold and inappropriate. Sometimes it is. Something is wrong with me.

I thought I'd share a few snippets. Maybe this will be a long running story for posts and posts... or maybe it will be small short stories that you will read to your children at night because they are just. that. beautiful.

Either way, the title is "Stories in my Head" and they will translate themselves onto this blog.

Two 20 year old girls are sitting at a new trendy coffee house downtown. They both are wearing super stylish clothes with at least one article of clothing patterned with Chevron print.

"So you know something?? I wrote him on Facebook. And he didn't respond. But because of the little massager thing at the bottom, you know the check mark? I KNOW he saw it. I like, know. I'm like what are you thinking??!!! I know you saw it."

"Yea that dude's weird." the second girl scoffs. "Cuz I know he's like, "liking" all your posts. Everyone sees it. I mean EV-ER-R-Y-ONE. So even if he doesn't know that you can tell that he has read your message, it's still weird he's constantly commenting and "liking" your stuff. So passi."

"What's passi?"

"Passive aggressive."


"Cuz you know, sometimes people don't know that you can tell that they've read your message; so even if he doesn't know that... he HAS to know that you are seeing him liking your all your posts. which MEANS... he's not being secret about being on the internet, especially on your page. He's reading your posts since he's liking them. But he's NOT responding to your private message? I mean, that's a huge slap in the internet face. He might as well send you one of those little "mimi" posters with those old time people drawn on them..."

girl one looks confused

"you know, the ones that are like cartoony drawings from the 1900s or something and they say weird or funny little things? I saw it on pinerest."

"Oh yea yea!"

"so he might as well send you one of those that says something like,

"Hey girl, i'm ignoring your private message but making everything look good up front."

"hey girl? So the ryan gossling pins?"

"no. fine it could just say, "hey"

"anyway, yea, I don't get him. I mean, what does a girl have to do to get some attention?? I'm NOT desperate. I'm not. I mean, I will not write him again. If he doesn't respond to this message... it's like not even worth my time you know?"

"oh yea, like not even worth it"

"Yea, it's like, it's like, it's like... whoa, who ARE you anyway? I mean, like are you some big tough guy that can't show your emotions in a private message?!... I've seen him cry. So I know he's capable of showing feelings"

"You've seen him cry?"

"Yea. It was really sweet because he was saying how much he loves to hang out with his family and how his nephew looks just like he's grandpa. His grandpa just passed."

The second girl gasps. "Aww! Sad!"

"I know, totally sad"

"so like, he cried?"

"yea. It was when I saw him last week. We were hanging out and he started crying because he really missed his grandpa"

"what a sweet guy"

"yea, he's totally sweet. I'm probably gonna call him to see how he's doing."

"I mean, that would be really nice. you should"

"yea... maybe i'll see if he wants to meet for coffee."

"good idea"

"what should I wear?"