Saturday, January 7, 2012

Hooked

He's here. I can't believe that a baby, a human, GREW inside of me. Like a plant... like a little seed. It's wild. It's the craziest thing I've ever, ever, ever experienced. I don't mean pregnancy and I don't mean birth... I mean a human is now living with me and eating from my boob 24/7 and I GREW that thing. The reality of this miracle is crazy. How can people not believe in something bigger than themselves when this crazy thing happens to them?!

I've been transformed. And I never, ever, ever thought I would be that person. My pregnancy was ok... I mean, I wasn't super sick and I didn't suffer from too many uncomfortable side effects. But for some reason, I wasn't very happy. My pregnancy wasn't exactly a planned one so it was hard for me to handle and I felt guilty for not being "excited." People would ask how I felt and my response was usually "eh... I'm ok, I guess." I'd cry to Chance at night and told him I feared being a bad mom because surely no DECENT mom would be so selfish. I watched my body change (with a little TOO much help from me... I love my fries!), I watched my "plans" slow down and my near future take a drastic turn. I told myself, the only way I'll like this baby is if it's a girl and if it sleeps at night. I'd tell Chance, "I can't picture myself with a boy for some reason."

We found out it had a penis. And I was shocked.

I cried.

I'd say, "I know it's horrible, but I just don't know if I'll be able to do this... I'm not ready, and I don't feel connected to him at all"

I never bonded with Major while he was inside my stomach, but I never resented him either.  Instead, I felt sorry for myself as I gripped tight to my last parentless months. I felt that way my entire pregnancy.

And then he came. He was and is so precious. This infant was here and just wanted to be close to me. He needed me to survive. I was hooked. Obsessed to say the least. My birth didn't go as hoped (more on that later) and my body is still a reck (I'll talk about this, too)... but my precious, precious boy brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart sing. I love his toes, I love his smell, I love holding him and helping him. Everything about him is my favorite.

What happened?

I really don't know. I don't know if it's divine intervetion, or just a natural motherly love, but something is different. You know it's weird, too, because I still can sit here and tell you that I STILL want to follow my dreams, and I STILL have big plans for my life. I don't want to just be a mom, or have my children be my life (not that there's ANYTHING wrong with that- it's a huge honor and responsibility we have!). In fact, I've already enojyed the few freedoms I've been given to leave the house, and I'll probably still post millions of pictures of my cat, but something is definitely different.

So, my fellow mothers... what do you think it is that changes us?

Major, now that you are here... Mommy can't picture life without you. I love you, I love you, I love you forever. You are 4 weeks old and have already made my life so rich. And I'm happy to say, I will never, ever, ever be the same.


5 comments:

Ann-Marie said...

Welcome to mommyhood - a crazy, magical, wonderful, exhausting, frustrating, amazing world that I never want to leave. Congratulations!

Free as a Songbird said...

I love your honesty, Dommers! It's so refreshing for someone like me, who has never felt that yearning to be a mom and feels a little guilty about it! Keep the enlightenment coming :) Xoxo

Jason said...

Dom!!! Such a cool perspective, one I never would have guessed came from you. You're so loving and giving. You're truly selfless, which unfortunately can't be said for many mothers. I'm eager to not only see the lil' progress but also you as a person!

Jay

Donna said...

Yep, you captured it as usual! He is a beautiful gift from God.

Kathryn said...

I love your honesty! It will be exciting to watch your love grow as each day passes!
Kathryn