What Matters Most

I'm sitting here and all the things I love most are in the same room. My son, my hubby, and my cat. Yes, my cat. I can't remember the last time I've felt so overly happy. Maybe at lunch when I threw my dieting Paleo ways out the window and ate a slice or two of pizza. Still, it wasn't as sweet as this.

The last few months I have been completely shocked at how this baby has changed me. I was not expecting this, but I guess having low expectations of motherhood, was better than having high ones. I thought I would hate parenthood. And I'm sure down the road, there will be days that I do. I'm sure down the road (or maybe even tomorrow?) I'll have a rough day and want to quit, but until then I am enjoying the simple things in life. I'll squeeze my son and kiss his chubby cheeks as much as I can today. I'll rock him to sleep and sing in his ear, because today... I love that I'm his mom.

I've always loved kids, but it was hard for me to see myself as a parent. I would watch my friends' kids and absolutely love it, but there was something in me that was afraid of having my OWN kid. Maybe it's the life long responsibility of it all or maybe it's that I didn't want to be the one that sent my own child to therapy because mommy didn't have it together. I don't know, but now... those fears don't scare me anymore. Of course I have doubts and concerns, but Major is so worth it.

Major you are so worth it. UGH! You are the cutest baby!!! I can't get enough of your fat self. You are so, so fat and I love it. It's super cute and super hilarious.

Having this baby has opened my eyes to the more tender things in life. I think I've always been an emotional person and “in touch” with my feelings, but having this child has given new life to so many situations. Because life really is about people and relationships. It really is about faith and love and hope. It really is about the real things instead of the rich things. This sappy post is somewhat ridiculous, but so true right now, because I feel so blessed and so, so in love.

<3 Dominique

Major Smiles

So towards the end of my pregnancy I wasn't doing much. I was so tired and so big (like the size of a whale) that all I wanted to do was sit in my house with the air conditioner on (yes, even though it was November). Yes, I was THAT fat and THAT hot. I'd be like, "I'm so sorry so and so... I can't make it today, I'm just SO tired!"


I want to sock my formerly pregnant self in the face now. Hard. I'd smack that girl so hard if I could.  These days I look at Chance and say, "WHAT DID WE DO WITH ALL OUR TIME BEFORE WE HAD THIS KID?"

I think I thought when the pregnancy was over, the fatigue would be over, the backache would be over and the sleep would be sound. WOW. Did I NOT understand that a HUMAN was going to come out of me and demand my every second? I guess I really didn't think about what happens at the end of pregnancy... you get a baby! And then the real fatigue, the real aches and the real sleepless nights begin.

Here's a run down of my last 6 weeks...

Wake up- but wake up from not sleeping. This just simply means actually getting out of bed, because let's be serious- I was awake all night.

Feed him. From my boob... that's still so weird.

He's happy. Put him in the bouncer so I can make an egg and toast... he starts to fuss. Pick him up, walk around until he's happy.. put him back in the bouncer. Finish cooking the already burnt egg. Grab a plate and sit down. I reach for the fork to eat... Major cries. He's bored. He's sick of looking at those stupid toys hanging from his bouncer. He's like, "What the heck, mom?! Just because I'm a baby doesn't mean I want to look at this stupid thing for longer than 3 minutes... don't you see it's a dumb turtle? What else is there to figure out?"

I take him out noting his intelligence. It's ok, Major. You are smart and stuff is boring. I feel bad for you so let's hang out. I try to juggle him while I attempt to eat my egg. It doesn't happen. He gets angry I'm not walking around. So I get up and walk... it finally calms him down.

He cries two minutes later and my egg is cold. He's hungry. I'm hungry.

Fine! I say to him... you can eat first! I lift my shirt and he gasps and gasps until he's getting that sweet boob juice.

I finally eat my egg, while ironically feeding my baby at the same time.

My day continues as chaotic as it started. I rush to the bathroom, fold the laundry, pick up the house in a hurried fashion all as Major sleeps. I'm racing the clock and counting the baby's "ZZZ" just to be sure of how much time I have left. I usually get to the bathroom and half way through the laundry before he wakes up again.

I look at the clock and it's already 5pm. I've accomplished nothing today. Nothing. But he's smiling now and today seems to be juuuuust fine.

 

Hooked

He's here. I can't believe that a baby, a human, GREW inside of me. Like a plant... like a little seed. It's wild. It's the craziest thing I've ever, ever, ever experienced. I don't mean pregnancy and I don't mean birth... I mean a human is now living with me and eating from my boob 24/7 and I GREW that thing. The reality of this miracle is crazy. How can people not believe in something bigger than themselves when this crazy thing happens to them?!

I've been transformed. And I never, ever, ever thought I would be that person. My pregnancy was ok... I mean, I wasn't super sick and I didn't suffer from too many uncomfortable side effects. But for some reason, I wasn't very happy. My pregnancy wasn't exactly a planned one so it was hard for me to handle and I felt guilty for not being "excited." People would ask how I felt and my response was usually "eh... I'm ok, I guess." I'd cry to Chance at night and told him I feared being a bad mom because surely no DECENT mom would be so selfish. I watched my body change (with a little TOO much help from me... I love my fries!), I watched my "plans" slow down and my near future take a drastic turn. I told myself, the only way I'll like this baby is if it's a girl and if it sleeps at night. I'd tell Chance, "I can't picture myself with a boy for some reason."

We found out it had a penis. And I was shocked.

I cried.

I'd say, "I know it's horrible, but I just don't know if I'll be able to do this... I'm not ready, and I don't feel connected to him at all"

I never bonded with Major while he was inside my stomach, but I never resented him either.  Instead, I felt sorry for myself as I gripped tight to my last parentless months. I felt that way my entire pregnancy.

And then he came. He was and is so precious. This infant was here and just wanted to be close to me. He needed me to survive. I was hooked. Obsessed to say the least. My birth didn't go as hoped (more on that later) and my body is still a reck (I'll talk about this, too)... but my precious, precious boy brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart sing. I love his toes, I love his smell, I love holding him and helping him. Everything about him is my favorite.

What happened?

I really don't know. I don't know if it's divine intervetion, or just a natural motherly love, but something is different. You know it's weird, too, because I still can sit here and tell you that I STILL want to follow my dreams, and I STILL have big plans for my life. I don't want to just be a mom, or have my children be my life (not that there's ANYTHING wrong with that- it's a huge honor and responsibility we have!). In fact, I've already enojyed the few freedoms I've been given to leave the house, and I'll probably still post millions of pictures of my cat, but something is definitely different.

So, my fellow mothers... what do you think it is that changes us?

Major, now that you are here... Mommy can't picture life without you. I love you, I love you, I love you forever. You are 4 weeks old and have already made my life so rich. And I'm happy to say, I will never, ever, ever be the same.

Bored

Freakin' Pinterest. I love it. And it's really helped me remain distracted the last few days. I made those 3 wreaths in the picture below and they were SUPER easy and CHEAP. I love all the ideas you can find on that site! The last few days I haven't been doing much, just sitting at home doing little crafts and things... hoping this baby comes soon!

I LOVE card making. Love it...

One of my paintings... Acrylic on Canvas

Another Acrylic on Canvas

I've always painted with my husband, but have never really shown any of my pieces. I wouldn't call myself an artist in the painting sense at all... although I do have a few really fun ideas I'm hopefully going to try after I get settled with the babe. It'll be something I've never tried before so I'm excited to see how they turn out. I'm pretty bored out of my mind these days, but I'm trying to soak it up because I know the days of boredom will soon be behind me. Send good vibes my way!

<3 Dom

New Label, New Hair Style

Yesterday was my son's due date. Do you know how freaky that is? Well, I guess if you've been pregnant and have had babies, then you already know. And if you don't have kids... well I'm telling you... it's pretty wild, man.  People keep asking me if I'm ready. What does that mean? Am I ready to get him out? Am I ready to meet him? Am I ready for labor? What does "Are you ready" mean exactly?

I don't understand when women say they are ready for labor. Because to me it sounds like this,

"Yes I am ready to be completely surprised by this thing that has been growing in my body. I am so excited to be caught off guard with pain and grossness. I can't wait to be sitting around doing my normal day to day activities and then randomly start to experience the excruciating pain of an 8 pound human cramming it's way out of my vagina."

Being pregnant has been so interesting. It's basically a 9 month count down of "oh my gosh, this is happening. It's coming and it's gonna hurt." It's almost like KNOWING and ANTICIPATING that some stranger will come into your house and stab you repeatedly for hours. Or beat you repeatedly for hours... really whatever the worse one is, they'll do to you.

You guys, someone will be in my house using it's power to make me feel like I'M DYING!!!!!!!!!!! Yet no one is concerned. This is weird. How is it that it's something that women around the world experience everyday and we act like they're basically NOT almost being murdered. I don't get it.

I had to take my mind off of the uncertainties of labor and delivery so Chance and I have taken this last week to reminisce. You know, about the "good ol' days." We looked at a lot of old pictures (DEPRESSING)! Don't do that when you're 9 months pregnant... just don't. I kept saying, "Did I really used to look like that?! Did my legs really not rub together down to my knees? Did I really wear jeans that small?" Oh god, the jeans. That was the worst part. When you're skinny... everything looks good on you, and when you're not... well. Let's just stop there.

I also had many hairstyles that I don't even remember having. Short, long, black, blonde... striped, red, bangs-- you name it, I had it. But ever since I got knocked up my hair has been the same and pretty boring. Side note: Which look should I go back to post babe?

This is how I've had my hair for awhile now, all natural and long... (picture taken about a month before I got pregs)

Here's me rocking the swoop bang...

And Blonde...

Dark Dark Dark Brown

Red with Blonde Chunks

Dark Red

Long and Funky

Straight Bangs

Short A-Line

Short Again...

                                                              Soft Red Medium...

Annnnnd Now...

I'm realizing as this baby is getting closer and closer to being born, I will now be something else. I will be a mom. That holds a lot of weight. I've labeled myself many other things before... but never a mom. Because I wasn't a mom. But now I'm going to be.. and that's just strange.

Along with the excitement of getting this Major man out of my belly I'm also really motivated to shed the pounds and get myself fit again, but man has food been delicious (as I'm sure you can tell if you've seen my recently). We'll see how this goes.

Paradise

As I near this whole motherhood thing... this song seems strangely fitting. You see, I didn't really expect to get pregnant at this time in my life. I don't mean that I didn't want to get pregnant at 26, I mean I just thought when I DID get pregnant it would make more sense. I thought I would be more established, or more “ready” --if there even is such a thing.


I usually dig Coldplay songs, but this song just really struck a chord with me. Is it hormones? Maybe...

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
So she ran away in her sleep
Dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Every time she closed her eyes
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh


When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth


Life goes on
It gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear, a waterfall
In the night, the stormy night
She closed her eyes
In the night, the stormy night
Away she flied


And dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh


She dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.


La la la La
La la la


So lying underneath those stormy skies.
She said oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
I know the sun must set to rise.


This could be para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
This could be para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.


This could be para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Could be para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.


This could be para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Could be para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.


Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo
Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo



<3 Dominique

Back in Business

This blog is BACK! I can't believe I'm blogging again... I DID miss it, but I think it was good for me to take that year off to figure things out on my own instead of sharing every little thought of mine with the world. You might notice that all my previous posts are gone. I've made them private for my own little online journal collection. Reading them was kinda like finding my junior high journal and being all super embarrassed at some of the things I wrote about since I was overly emotional and lonely.  Yea that's right... that's how it was, only it wasn't my junior high diary... it was this blog I started 4 years ago so I can't blame my stupidity on that "awkward" stage in life... I can only blame it on, actually nothing.  I might have some fun with it and bring some of my "creative writing" posts back for some blast from the blog past... but we'll see.

That all being said... I'm back! And I can't wait to see what happens...

Oh won't you be my neighbor? (Like in a 'read-my-blog' way... not like in a creepy way... unless that works for you).

<3 Dominique