Too Proud with Songs in my head

Last night when Chance and I were at my grandparents house, we talked for like 2 hours before we fell asleep. We talked about our lives and how we really want to start concentrating on enjoying life as we live it; the now. I think too often we've been looking at our lives like some kind of thing to get through, like..."things will be better when we have a house" or "it will be easier when we start to make more money" or "everything will be so much better when we are done with the first year of the business." It's as if we are setting ourselves up for disaster. We are missing out on so many solid moments now, because we are too busy focusing on a future that doesn’t promise tomorrow.

I had an "ah-ha" moment this weekend after pondering life a bit, and it happened as I was praying. I was asking God why he’s been so confusing the last 5 months or so...I mean, I thought because I obeyed Him, He was going to make me rich and famous or something. I thought that I would have a pot of gold or dozens of people waiting to be my best friend at the end of the rainbow, but I was so wrong. In fact, I have less money now, and less friends now than I've ever had. Funny huh? No, seriously it’s really funny because I’ve always had lots of friends and I’ve never needed money. But I've realized why God put me in certain positions. I now understand why our business wasn't successful the moment we launched...I now accept the people and things that have been taken out of my life and I now know that if I wasn't stripped of everything, I would have gained nothing. God knew I wouldn’t have looked His way if things were great…He’s knows I’m too selfish to give credit to anyone else but myself. He knows I was too proud to tell people my faults or the things I was fearing or what a bad wife I was, or how depressed I could get. He knows all that and that’s why he choose to break me down hard before I could really see what I needed to do with myself, my marriage, my life, my money, and our business.

I think everyone needs times like this in their life. Everyone needs to be alone to evaluate their direction and be refreshed, renewed. I’ve been totally inspired lately…and it’s amazing. So inspired that I’ve started to sing. I’m working on writing a song and I’m totally, wildly excited. You know the best part of it all…I really can’t sing, but somehow I sang in front of our friend Chris like it was no big deal. Who am I? I’ve always loved music and singing, but now it’s like something inside of me is telling me to write and sing and groove. I’m obsessed. Don’t you just love how life is so clever?

I’d like to say I’m a bit better now. So, ‘I’m a bit better now.’ However, I still can be a really mean person, to the point where I even hurt my own feelings. It’s like, I didn’t even know I was that mean…but I’m hopeful because God always fills my little heart at the very best time. But can I share something I hear way too often before I loose my nerve? Don’t ever approach us and say something like, “oh yea, you have it easy. you guys don’t really work, you got it made working from home.” That is one thing that makes my ears bleed and fire shoot out my eyes. Yes, we are blessed to do what we do, but it is certainly not easy, and we both work our asses off. Think what you want about us and why we do what we do or don’t do. You can even talk behind our backs about it to make yourself feel better, but don’t ever let me hear it, because I guarantee “it will be unpleasant for both of us”- (Sayid to Ben on last week’s LOST).